Dads, am I right? What on earth do you get them as a gift? If your dad is anything like my dad, he simply buys himself whatever he needs when he needs it.
Like what’s up with that, anyway? Why is it so hard to find a gift for the man who raised you? Wouldn’t you know exactly what he loves since you’ve spent so many years of your life with him?
When you’ve exhausted every tie on earth and gotten him every wallet known to man, what else is there? Thankfully, you’ve come to the right place. I have so many ideas, they may not be good ideas, but they’re ideas just the same.
What Not to Get Dad
Okay, first, let’s establish what not to get Dad. I mean, unless your family is tacky overall or you love to buy gag gifts, here are some things not to get dear ol’ dad.
- That singing bass fish for the wall. No, this is not a good gift. Never buy this gift.
- That singing bass fish for the wall. Yes, we’ve said it twice. It’s so abhorrent that it deserves first and second place on this list.
- Socks and underwear. Nothing says, “I don’t love you” like socks and underwear. For real.
- A dog. For some reason, dads always say no to dogs. Of course, you could just get him a dog anyway and your dad will eventually end up being it’s favorite human anyway.
- American flag paraphernalia that isn’t the actual American flag.
- Truck nuts. C’mon, what are you, five?
- A fanny pack. Please, no.
- Lawn flamingos. Unless he’s already living at the trailer park or a “Florida Man”, you don’t just give these bad boys to anyone. Lawn flamingos are earned by one’s own redneckery.
Perhaps your dad has a great sense of humor. Perhaps these gifts would go over well on Christmas morning. But maybe you could try a little harder and get him something he truly wants!
What to Get Dad
Now we’re at the part in our story where you get to know what gifts I recommend for Dad. Look, they’re not anything profound. If you’ve read this far hoping for the answers to the mysteries of the universe, sorry, guy, but you’re not gonna find it here.
- Salted Pistachios. Who doesn’t like good salted nuts? (If you’re still giggling about the truck nuts above, you’re the reason Dad can’t have nice things.)
- A lap blanket. Does your dad regularly fall asleep in front of the TV? The man deserves to be cozy!
- Slippers and/or gloves. When you get to be a certain age, your hands and feet get cold on the regular.
- A good bottle of whisky. You know what I’m saying.
- Power tools! Every man under the sun never has enough of these things.
- Razors. Is Dad clean-shaven? Get him a fancy razor.
- But if Dad sports an epic beard, a beard grooming kit is what you need.
- An actual American flag.
What it All Boils Down To
It all boils down to your relationship with your dad. Was he a deadbeat growing up? Then go ahead and get him the singing bass fish for the wall.
Is he obnoxious when it comes to politics? Perhaps, then, he would appreciate American flag apparel.
But if you actually love your dad, you’ll get him a gift that matters, a gift from the heart, a gift that doesn’t have “We’re so tacky” written all over it. Or maybe the tacky gift is the heartfelt gift. You do you.